requiem of angst

wishing i could find it/ longing for a way back/ i can no longer hear it/ and that much is fact/ i know its there in front of me/ i hope there itll always be/ but it seems that the faster i run/ it takes two steps and i one/ is it out the question to think/ that ive ever had this drink/ ive beed sated, ive been full/ but now its gone and i feel so dull/ what was it that warped me so/ was it something physical/ or a rotten seed that ive sowed/ i can no longer grasp it, im losing my hold/ on something im not sure is real to this world/ if i could express myself then maybe i could see/ how the time and the place has eroded me/ i used to be much smarter, so i would blame/ or is it just that my voice has changed-

The Leech

pathetic and alone
i cling to things i do not own
always seeing always hearing
i always hide constantly fearing
im very sick yet very much alive
feeding off of my sorrows to thrive
in my world abandoned and cold
i see myself slowly losing hold
you always crush me when im alone
bashing my confidence with your stone
is it uncertainty? no, my apprehension
is what gives me an honorable mention
for without it who could i be?
a nothing, a void, one unable to see
i always try to do whats best
only to be coddled and laid to rest
i am not in control and i cannot be free
stuck in infinity unable to breathe
so put your elbow into my eye
and when i begin to scream and cry
you can rid yourself of i the leech
and learn what the world has to teach
to let me do this incessantly
will drive you woefully mad you see?
tearing us apart may seem so easy
yet why have you left me perpetually feeding?
i have an answer, and a good one at that
i am all that you know, like insects to a bat
to rid of me would leave you more alone
and we both know, this you cannot condone
for that keeps you looking but never searching
thus is why you allow me to stay, ever lurching
we hate each other dearly no doubt
yet we constantly embrace with a loving pout

Love Yourself (true heart)

the hate i have for you runs deeper than blood
unable to love as any relationship should
the way i want to treat you is unspeakable, unjust
but i simply owe it to myself so i feel i must.
to have you tortured to have you burned
to repay he who was spurned.
and i dare not be so bold
to have you grow and become old.
for the sweet revenge in which i seek
will leave you helpless, cold and weak.
on that day you turned your back to me
you opened my eyes, yet left me blind and free.
i dont even care if all you say is real
fuck everthing thats how i feel.

The Desert

underneath blue skies there where nothing lies
i was standing feebly the wind so breezy
talking to no one about everything
i walked a little bit just to have a sit
and to listen to it all, to take it all in
i thought i saw you there, a glint in the sun
but now i think i was looking at a mirror  
i was having fun, i was feeling down
nothing ever matters when your life is drowning
so i took a bite out of myself, i tasted what i am
i disposed of my impurities and came out a sicker man
and who are you if i dont know who i am?
its all over. it is finally last night this morning
and the moonlight reflecting off of my face
just might reveal my life long pace
a flight to the center of the earth
my drive to the stars. the place where i belong
is where nothing and everything meet
but where were you when the treetops met the sky
better yet where was i, where have i been, what do i know
i was just looking for a good time and talking about root beer
you said you had a heart to explore and one to ignore
when i told you to drop your ears you smiled completely
and said im on my way
you wish i was a rock so i could taste the earth
i wish you were a bird so you could dream of nothing

A Different Man

a time ago it was indeed
when a very funny thing was said to me
"look at who you are,
and be who you say
life just works out better this way"
i took the advice but to my dismay
i realized that this didnt apply to me persay
nobody likes meeting a person if they dont have to hunt
a man of mystery; now thats what they want
with this new notion in mind
a new me was born, a worthy find
sure i wasnt myself but look what id become
in me an intristing, perplexing thing had begun
i met new people made new friends
i was in a new world of make pretend
but soon after i was figured out
no one cared for me anymore without a doubt
everyone was off to the newer more interesting fellow
i was again left alone, alone and mellow
covering up who i really am
made me waste my life as this man
but was it worth it? what enjoyment i had
was better than none at all so was it so bad?
if i couldnt be me was i any better as a different man?
or is it that no one likes me no matter who i am?

Alive

when its all over, over for me
the world will be gone and i can be free
the chains that hold me, hold me down
are not seen, yet easily, easily found
just as tight a grip they have on me
i have just as much on them you see.
the very thing that bounds me here
is the very thing i love yet fear
yin and yang as some may say
but its all the same either way
to stand up in this world alone
is the struggle i try, i try to own;
the old man sits and thinks away
while the young man fights, fights all day
decrepitness eats as flesh decays
while youth shines bright, bright as day.
to truly know, know something for sure
one must become it, and nothing more
it is loneliness i am and it i endure.
leave me alone, alone i say
i do not wish to become play
play is what children are
and i have not travelled near this far
to lose sight of what is to come
when all is over said and done
but what is the point of death if one is none?
am i really alive? have i even begun?
i am not alive and i have not lived at all
i hold nothing dear in this world so small
one cannot be one if there isnt another
life doesnt work that way, ask any other
my life is not over, yet it hasnt begun
this is something none of you can ever understand
i am stuck here, alone in my desolate wasteland
neither living nor dead
this is my realm, the only one i dread
it seems that none of you can even see me
but just how can, how can that be?
when i have been reaching out to you for all eternity

Between Filth and Faith Lies Life

every morning when i wake up
i look to the sky and
begin to cry,
for i am still alive.
I have such a disgust you see
for you, for the world, and for me.
everytime i think theres hope
one of us fucks it up, no joke.
were all hopeless dont you know
for we cant seem to just take it slow
busy with this busy with that,
we are ball players and the world is our bat.
beating and destroying our very home
trying to survive in a world i cant condone.
with cynical desires to become our own
we ruin relationships that once were known
and held as a most valued treasure
now thrown away with nothing to measure.
If this life is meant to feed our pleasure,
why is it that we stay hurt forever?
every morning when i wake up
i look to the sky and
begin to cry,
for i am still alive.